Category: Dating and Relationships
Why is it that it seems, that most relationships don't last any longer.
In the US. over fifty percent of married couples are divorced, and it just seems that hearts are made of glass anymore.
The first sign of trouble, and one partner or the other runs like a coward.
Whatever happened to being there through thick and thin,? rain or shine, and, just loving the person no matter what happens?
It seems that vows of love, and acceptance can be broken at a whim, and perhaps weren't ment to begin with?
This is merely my own observations, and any and all are welcome to disagree or agree with me.
soul Temptrous, I agree with you. I don't know the answer to that question but trust me, the US is not an exceptuion. It's the same in Germany as well I guess.
I think a lot of it comes down to two factors:
1. People simply live much longer than they used to so now "for the rest of your life" is really a lot longer than it used to be. Oddly there seems to be a big difference between 15 and 30 years when it comes to staying faithful and making a marriage work.
2. Society is not geared towards copules or families any more. Both women and men go out put their careers above their families, get too absorbed in their careers and work and life and friends that they don't share and eventually end up drifting apart. In their competition for material supremacy the credit cards are used to purchase all the latest gadgets, nicest cars and houses that are far bigger than necessary but when it comes to paying those off people don't have enough money. The strain of repayment often breaks the relationship, constant worrying and fighting and switching from allowing ourself everything to having to pay for it and struggling proves too much.
I think, today, more than ever, people have a choice, a wife does not need a husband in order to stay respected or successful, in order to make it and I think a lot of people are either afriad to love or just bored of it, and prefer more casual life style and encounters with less or no commitment over the traditional marriage.
Having children is less and less common and children have traditional provided the strongest tie between husband and wife.
I think, when viewed together, that provides some explanation for why divorces are on the rise. I don't think people are necessarily worse or less faithful at the beginning or that everything used to be better. I just think there are more open temptations out there and it's far too easy to drift apart and people must be very careful not to get too absorbed and self centerred. It can be done and should be done of course, but it will take sacrifices and people just must be willing to make them from time to time.
Wow, Wildebrew, no wonder I love you :-). That was just about the most eloquent, insightful, and clear-headed post I've ever read on the Zone. You really make it worthwhile checking the boards! That being said--I agree *smile*.
Suzanne, I say amen to what you said minus the "I love you part" <g>. I also think that Modern Media (TV in particular) promote this instant perfect relationship that isn't realistic, and we al tned to buy into it to varying degrees at some time in our lives.
I agree with you there, motifated.
I think another reason is that generally, young people of the modern middle class (such as myself and most of us here, I imagine :-)) are pretty spoiled. We get to chose what we want to do, when we want to do it, to what extent we want to do it, etc. There isn't really a moment in time when someone comes up to us and pushes a shovel in our hand and says "Well, fun's over, now to digging up the fields for you for the rest of your life." What I'm trying to say is that we really approach life very playfully and look at most things we do almost as if they're a game. Now, this works just fine for most things, but it doesn't for marriage. Many people get married because they like the idea of being loved enough for someone to actually marry them, of being a princess in a white dress for a day, etc, but they aren't prepared for the fact that once that's over, it's not a play marriage, but real. Then they freak out because they realize that they approached marriage in the same way in which they approached picking their electives at college. What I'm saying, perhaps, is that we lack a certain commitment, and perhaps even a certain sense of finality, because nothing for us is ever really pre-determined, really final--we are so used to making our own destinies. That is a good thing to a degree because it allows us to build the lives we want, but it's really important to know when to get out of this shopping-around mindset and let oneself be absorbed in something, such as a marriage, before we end up without a life at all.
Yes, I forgot about the media aspect. Movies and sit coms etc promote the idea of an instant gratifying relationship and that it's perfectly normal to have multiple partners, sometimes at once (I think all sit coms have poked fun at the difficulty of juggling more than one boy friend/girl friend). We just mustn't confuse that with reality of course.
And, I love you too Susanne, hopefully we'll never fall victim to any of these things. :) Even if one knows all the risks and dangers, through observation and perhaps previous mistakes, one must still be careful. I think it's something everyone here should remember. As easy as it is to claim oneself above all this and one's morales so strong that there's no way that person would ever betray his/her morals, sadly it's just a fact thatmost of us end up doing that at one point or another, different situations, different levels of errors but one must just learn from one's mistakes and realize that life goes on and the best thing you can do is to pick up the pieces, learn from the mistakes and build a better life avoiding making that mistake again.
Best of luck to everyone.
-B
I agree Wildabrew. Keeping one's guard up against temptations/divsersions from one's relationships is a fulltime job. Best of luck to all. Lou
I might be little aive or whatever but I truly believe in my relationships that I involve myself in. That is why I get heartbroken usually but at least I know I gave it my all.
I agree with the above. I think it also depends on how faithful you wanna be, also a lot of these people are in it for that s word, and then when they don't get what they want, they leave.
Troy
That's the problem, people only want what they want until it's what they have.
Agreed susanne and b.
the media and other factors play in to the idea of imperfect relationships.
As it has been said before, people spend to much time planning the wedding, and not the marage.
Here's another spin: people don't choose their partners well. Ued to be that a father would threaten bodily harm to a man who touched his daughter inappropriately, and guys usually kept themselves in line. Parents' opinions used to matter when it came to relationships, as they had a marriage that lasted (if they didn't, they learned from their mistakes). Now, thanks to the examples of parents, the desire to be "happy" at all costs, the media's instantly-perfect relationship portrayals, and the "I think he'll change syndrome" (women) or the "She's such a sweet girl but for...." (men), people don't pick their partners using their heads. yes, it's important to love your partner with your heart, but just 'cause you have warm fuzzies doesn't mean your brain cells disappeared.
enough ranting...
Crazy Kate
Nice saying to both wb and Susanne, and good point as well, cm.
I actually think it has more to do with the way society has changed. 50 years ago people didn't get divorced because it was frowned upon by society. Doesn't mean they didn't exist in unhappy marriages though. 50 years ago 13 year olds didn't get pregnant because you were considered to be a slut if you were having sex that young, and if you got pregnant you were shipped away to a home for unmarried mothers and the baby was taken away at birth. But now it's easy. if you want to split up you just walk away from your marriage and the husband has to pay maintenance for the kids and the assets are all divided up and everyone goes their merry way. easier to get divorced than to stick around and communicate and try to work things out. Same with having kids, it's not frowned upon now to be a single parent, it's not even frowned upon to have a baby at 13, and that 13 year old will grow up knowing in her heart that it's alright to be raising her child on her own without a partner, and thus her child will grow up thinking the same, and so society is formed.
As for b's point about it being the children that make a relationship better, I totally disagree. Children change a relationship in a way you can never imagine, doesn't mean they make it worse, but they change the whole dinamic of a relationship, and statistically, a marriage is most likely to break down within two years of the birth of a second child.
SB, thanks for pointing that out. I guess I was more theorizing about children as I'd imagine it'd be much harder to tear yourself away from a partner with a child. But I've never had children so I might be entirely wrong on that score.
I also think the point about one's parents is interesting. My parents had their arguments and disagreements over the years. Nothing bad, just what people deal with in general. But they always worked things out, they never left the house for days or tries splitting up or seriously considered just throwing it all away. And I think it's helped me believe that it is possible to do that. I've seen so many failed marriages and relationships after moving to the U.S. (it's more to do with growing up I think, I've seen problematic relationships everywhere, with friends, famous people etc, not just in the U.S.) that sometimes it's hard to believe any people can stay in one relationship at all. And it's true one should use one's brains when choosing a partner. The feeling of instant romance is nice but it won't last. The initial romance disappears and it has to be replaced with friendship or be allowed to develop into a less isntance but more lasting quiet type of romance and compassion that keep people together. I think whoever said that people plan the wedding instead of the marriage got it absolutely right.
SugarBaby, I'm not sure if society really has changed that much. I just read recently that there now aren't any more broken families than there have always been. Sure, maybe fifty years ago, you didn't get a formal divorce simply because you couldn't, but there have always been roughly the same percentage of runaway dads who never entered a statistic because they weren't formally divorced, but absent nonetheless. As for having babies without being married, that also has been commonplace throughout history. Getting married *before* you are pregnant actually seems to be a bit of a temporal and regional whim--in most times and places, you got married once you were pregnant because you sort of had to--just think about it, you'll find countless examples of this even in your own experience among people you know. Anyway, this isn't disputing the point that something is wrong with the way we as a people approach marriage, but only to suggestion that these particular changes in society might be to blame for it.
Marriages don't last anymore. And it's sad. But still,some do. People just always assume they can do better, there's someone else out there, etc. Or some people are so jaded that they don't relaly want to commit to forever. But there are certain situations when it's okay to end the relationship. Cheating, lying, something like that. People take love for granted it seems.
People need to really discuss finance, religion, and children before they marry. If they agree on those three issues, stats say that they will have an immensely better chance of having a successful marriage.
I really think these days it's a lot easier for people to cut and run rather than working through issues and by issues I don't mean dealbreakers (pardon the clice) like abuse, cheating, lying etc, but everyday issues., things are a lot easier and divorce is accepted now whereas it wasn't 50 years ago, and with media portrayal of relationships, and hollywood stereotypes, people build themselves up for something 'perfect', believing that they will live happily ever after, when this happily ever after in reality takes a lot of effort, compromise, communication, honesty and all those other key ingredience.
My question is, how do we really truly know things were better than they are today. It's easy as falling off a log to find fault with anything you see and to come up with stats for it, because sensation sells magazines and advertising. Now, maybe somebody older than my 41 years can correct me, but I'm told that in the past, people had to show their lives only in the best light in the name of conformity and keeping polite conversations pleasant. Alcoholism, divorce, abuse and other things were too controversial.
Felt the need ot comment. I see that people to day just want to run, hide from their problems and not deal with the issues at hand. Its sad that the word love has become a word not a verb. I believe love is a verb "action" taken to heart.